if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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