You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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