Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
