Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
