are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
