I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
