clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
