Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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