From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
