so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Randomize
