Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
