I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
