Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
