if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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