Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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