I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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