You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
