Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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