There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I smell like Dick and happiness
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize