that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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