yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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