just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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