is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
its liver damage thursday
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
