I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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