I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
