I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
