When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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