Soap is not a condiment
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
