I need help removing her.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
