god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
