he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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