does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize