There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
