Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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