I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
