I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
