There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
