call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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