Welp...herpes.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Randomize