i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I love you. Go after that dick
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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