I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
