I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
