either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
