he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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