Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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