I'm going to jail i love you
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just invented taco cereal.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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