do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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