Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Randomize
