oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
