So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
