the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
