I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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