Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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