She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
