Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
