You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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