He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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