Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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