You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My ass is underappreciated
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
