They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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