@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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