He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
